Farisr9k’s Embarrassing Story About How He Tried To Impress A Girl: So there was this girl at the first high school I went to. Let’s call her Anne because that’s her name. She was gorgeous. Anne and I were friends. We got along really well but, as the cliche goes, I was into her, she dated assholes etc. etc. I was 15 years old and deep in the friendzone. It wasn’t pretty.

She runs up to me one Monday morning telling me about how she had “the best weekend ever!”. She’d hooked up with this 21 year old guy who had a car and drove her around, blasting music, doing burnouts in a paddock and driving to the lake where they fucked.

Every word was a knife in my gut. There was no way I could live up to this guy. He had everything, I had nothing. I wrestled with it til lunchtime when I had an epiphany.

The car.

It all stemmed from the car. If I could just get a car…

But I didn’t have a car and I certainly couldn’t drive one. Not letting that stop me I walked over to Anne and casually mentioned that I could drive her to soccer practice tonight if she wanted.

“What? You can’t drive.”

“Hm? Oh yeah, of course I can. My dad taught me when I was twelve. I could’ve sworn I’d mentioned that.”

“No… No you hadn’t but.. okay.. cool. Thanks. Come round to mine like, 6.30?”

“No probs”

Before you read on please remember: I was a desperate fool, hopelessly in love, not thinking of the consequences.

My dad arrived home at 5.25 that day. Same as he did every day. I was watching TV as I usually did. He asked what the plan for dinner was, as he usually did. I replied that I’ll walk down to the store and pick up some pasta or something, as I usually did. He said okay, and went to run a bath, as he usually did.

Unusually, instead of putting the dog on his leash for a walk I slid my dad’s keys off the hook. Instead of walking out the front door I walked into the garage. Instead of not being a fucking idiot I was a fucking idiot. I opened up garage door, shoved the key into the ignition, put the car into reverse and drove out of there.

I figured I had about an hour to learn how to drive before I needed to pick Anne up. This was good. I rolled down the street pretty slowly. My heart was pumping but I was in control. I adjusted the mirrors because I’d seen people do that before. It was lucky I did because that’s when I noticed my dad running down the street with just a towel on, chasing after me.

I panic.

I slam the accelerator down.

The whole event probably took about 4 seconds. It was all in super slow-motion for me though so I can’t be sure. I remember letting go of the wheel while still looking at my mostly-naked father in the rear-view. I remember shifting my gaze to the tall brown fence that was speeding toward me. I remember covering my head with my arms and feeling the thud of, what I now know was, the airbag.

When I clawed the airbag off my face I stumbled/fell out of the car. I stood up in my neighbor’s garden and looked at the bonnet of my dad’s car, imbedded into the living room of the house. I stared at it for a long time. I heard a noise behind me and I turned to see my dad, his towel long since discarded, panting heavily and just, staring at me. I calmly asked him, “What happens now?”. He said he didn’t know. So I just sat down on the lawn, amidst the debris and my naked dad sat down beside me and we didn’t say anything. We just waited for the neighbors to get home.

Anne was late for soccer practice.

via